we're half awake in a fake empire

Genuinely didn't realise how crappy I'd been feeling over the past few months until about two days ago when it felt like a weight suddenly lifted. Been walking around the past couple of days like WOW I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER IS THIS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE FEELS LIKE THIS IS AMAZING. 

It's like I'm seeing in colour again, but I didn't even know how washed out everything had become. 

I had a meltdown on Sunday. I should have seen it coming, but I never do. 

Between work, lifting, and just existing it had been a busy week. Followed by a busy Saturday, out; around people. For enjoyable activities, but nevertheless, it can be a drain. I felt alright Sunday morning and then we went to the gym and I was NOT even close to OK. Which was then followed by a detour through the shops on the way home and by the time we got to the cafe near the apartment to get a coffee I couldn't even order. My mouth wouldn't make words, the racket inside the cafe was overwhelming, my hands were shaking. My partner ordered and waited for our coffees while I waited outside, leaning against the wall, trying to breathe, with tears streaming down my face. 

Once we got home, I was mostly OK. Exhausted, but at least I could breathe again, being in my own space; in our little apartment bubble. Even so, there were times when my partner asked me something fairly innocuous and all I could muster was a short, "Whatever, I don't care", or something similar. The harshness with which it came out of my mouth was at odds with how I felt (more of a gentle, "I don't mind", etc.), and I knew I'd upset them. I took a few minutes to process and then apologised. It was all good - they understood - but with the space I was in - the complete lack of resources I felt I had at my disposal - thinking about and taking care of their feelings felt like so much effort. 

Monday (yesterday) was better. But man was I looking forward to my day off today, with my partner in the office and having the house to myself. Knowing that I could have a whole day to just be: where I didn't have to talk or engage or have anyone need anything from me. 

And then my partner decided to work from home today. And that time and space that I needed isn't there. And I'm irritable. And I know it; I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to be zen about it but I NEEDED that so much today. And talking to them about it - explaining that this is what I need sometimes, and that it's in no way about them - feels like such a huge mountain to climb right now. 

I was fortunate enough to attend the Yellow Ladybugs conference online last week. Even attending remotely, it was so affirming to see and hear these incredible advocates and professionals, the vast majority of whom are themselves Autistic, AuDHD, or otherwise neurodivergent. To feel the genuine sense of community throughout; to see people being their authentic, Autistic selves as they shared their expertise and experience.

It really reinforced for me that it's not just the disability and inclusion space I want to move into (or, stay in, I suppose, but in a different capacity), but specifically the autism space. What that looks like, I'm not entirely sure at the moment. Whether that's through advocacy, coaching/counselling, social work, or something else. I want - need - to do work for and with my community. That aligns to my values. Where those values, and my way of being, are an asset, and not something that I have to fight against just to get through the day.

The tricky bit now is tempering the feeling of urgency of wanting to do something else, with my financial reality.