meltdowns and the aftermath.
Jun. 24th, 2025 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
punkrockromanceI had a meltdown on Sunday. I should have seen it coming, but I never do.
Between work, lifting, and just existing it had been a busy week. Followed by a busy Saturday, out; around people. For enjoyable activities, but nevertheless, it can be a drain. I felt alright Sunday morning and then we went to the gym and I was NOT even close to OK. Which was then followed by a detour through the shops on the way home and by the time we got to the cafe near the apartment to get a coffee I couldn't even order. My mouth wouldn't make words, the racket inside the cafe was overwhelming, my hands were shaking. My partner ordered and waited for our coffees while I waited outside, leaning against the wall, trying to breathe, with tears streaming down my face.
Once we got home, I was mostly OK. Exhausted, but at least I could breathe again, being in my own space; in our little apartment bubble. Even so, there were times when my partner asked me something fairly innocuous and all I could muster was a short, "Whatever, I don't care", or something similar. The harshness with which it came out of my mouth was at odds with how I felt (more of a gentle, "I don't mind", etc.), and I knew I'd upset them. I took a few minutes to process and then apologised. It was all good - they understood - but with the space I was in - the complete lack of resources I felt I had at my disposal - thinking about and taking care of their feelings felt like so much effort.
Monday (yesterday) was better. But man was I looking forward to my day off today, with my partner in the office and having the house to myself. Knowing that I could have a whole day to just be: where I didn't have to talk or engage or have anyone need anything from me.
And then my partner decided to work from home today. And that time and space that I needed isn't there. And I'm irritable. And I know it; I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to be zen about it but I NEEDED that so much today. And talking to them about it - explaining that this is what I need sometimes, and that it's in no way about them - feels like such a huge mountain to climb right now.
Between work, lifting, and just existing it had been a busy week. Followed by a busy Saturday, out; around people. For enjoyable activities, but nevertheless, it can be a drain. I felt alright Sunday morning and then we went to the gym and I was NOT even close to OK. Which was then followed by a detour through the shops on the way home and by the time we got to the cafe near the apartment to get a coffee I couldn't even order. My mouth wouldn't make words, the racket inside the cafe was overwhelming, my hands were shaking. My partner ordered and waited for our coffees while I waited outside, leaning against the wall, trying to breathe, with tears streaming down my face.
Once we got home, I was mostly OK. Exhausted, but at least I could breathe again, being in my own space; in our little apartment bubble. Even so, there were times when my partner asked me something fairly innocuous and all I could muster was a short, "Whatever, I don't care", or something similar. The harshness with which it came out of my mouth was at odds with how I felt (more of a gentle, "I don't mind", etc.), and I knew I'd upset them. I took a few minutes to process and then apologised. It was all good - they understood - but with the space I was in - the complete lack of resources I felt I had at my disposal - thinking about and taking care of their feelings felt like so much effort.
Monday (yesterday) was better. But man was I looking forward to my day off today, with my partner in the office and having the house to myself. Knowing that I could have a whole day to just be: where I didn't have to talk or engage or have anyone need anything from me.
And then my partner decided to work from home today. And that time and space that I needed isn't there. And I'm irritable. And I know it; I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to be zen about it but I NEEDED that so much today. And talking to them about it - explaining that this is what I need sometimes, and that it's in no way about them - feels like such a huge mountain to climb right now.
